When Your Play Personality Collides with Others

You know the question: “What would you do if money didn’t matter?”

It’s a great question to get all dreamy, but it doesn’t always jibe with our real-world contexts because often money does matter, and sometimes more often than we would like.

If I didn’t have to work in either my unpaid (mother), or paid (facilitator) capacities, I would be either out in nature hiking or rock climbing, or travelling the world, exploring new cultures and people. And of course, I would have a book with me at all times.

But since I do have two jobs, I often find myself here, at home, doing my best to incorporate play into the spaces where it has room to fit. That often translates to the weekends.

In an ideal world, I could announce on Friday night that come Saturday morning the whole family would be heading to the mountains to hike for the day, or in this season go skiing. Unfortunately, it never works that way. Why?

The simple reason — my family and I don’t all share the same play personality. Which means, when the weekend comes, we all want to play in different ways. It would be all well and good if we were independent beings, but we aren’t. Two adults and two children make for 4 different play desires.

In Dr. Brown’s book Play he outlines 8 different play personalities, of which most of us have 1-2 that are dominant. They are:

1. The Joker — the person coming up with the next best practical joke and gives us all a good laugh in the process
2. The Kinesthete — the person who loves to move. This often involved playing sports, but their goal isn’t to win, it’s to move their bodies. (This is me!)
3. The Explorer — the person who lights up at the idea of discovery. This discovery could be physical, emotional, or mental. They could be just as happy wandering the alleys of a new city, as wandering the alleys of their own mind. (Also me.)
4. The Competitor — the person who loves to win, and will compete in just about any type of activity with the goal of being on top. They’ll turn anything into a game with scores and points.
5. The Director — the person who loves to plan, organize and execute. Perhaps they like power and control, or perhaps they simply like getting people together as if they are actors on a stage.
6. The Collector — the person who finds the thrill in having the best, or most interesting objects or experiences. From collecting sea glass, to collecting places they’ve bungee jumped, this person can work solo, or collect as a social experience.
7. The Artist/Creator — the person who finds joy in making things. From artist to furniture makers, to bakers and interior designers. There are an utmost array of way s to create. These are also the tinkers who don’t make something new, but simply make something old work again.
8. The Storyteller — the person whose imagination is the key to their play. Their creative and inventive mind weaves stories either orally or in writing.

Can you see yourself in any of these descriptions? What would be your top 1 or 2? What about your family members? Can you see them?

When I became a mother, I naively assumed that my children would be nurtured into the same type of play that lit me up. It did work for a while while they were young. Now it no longer does.

My top two play personalities are kinesthete and explorer, which matches up well with my husband and son, who are also kinesthetes. My daughter, on the other hand, has absolutely no desire to move in the way I like to move, and the idea of exploring new places gets her anxiety to an all-time high.

Although I could play (pun intended) the “I am the parent card” and force my daughter to do the things that the rest of us want to do, it never ends well. She may come along, but she complains the entire time, which makes the rest of us miserable.

Now, looking through the lens of our play personalities, we can make different choices. For example, this February, my husband, son and I will go skiing for a week in Italy (kinesthete/explorer). My daughter, on the other hand, will head to the grandparents where she will ride horses (director/kinesthete) and do art with my other in law (artist). In the end, we all get to play in the way we enjoy most.

Splitting up doesn’t always work, but looking at our challenges through the lens of our play personalities gives us a way to create new possibilities, where everyone can win.

Originally posted on Substack with comments.

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