Welcome The Discomfort

​I was standing in the doorway, that connected my office to my boss’s office (yes, we had an adjoining office). It was Friday afternoon, early evening, and everyone had gone home already. We were actually having a real conversation, which was rare in those days.

I don’t know what made say it, but I did.

ME : Do you know that you have a reputation in the district?
HER : Oh yea, what is it?
ME : Well, a lot of people think you're a bitch.

You know those moments when things get awkward?

This was one of those moments.

And I was the perpetrator.

Usually, it’s the other way around, and the awkward question or comment is coming from someone other than me.

How do we respond in those moments?

Kasia Urbaniak talks about “turning the spotlight” or otherwise, turning the attention to the other person. The simple way to do so is to ask a question back.

Seems simple, but can be quite hard to do at the moment.

Like all good ideas, it’s always important to practice, so she invites readers of her book and participants in her classes into the exercise of ”Uncomfortable Questions.”

Like most simulations or role-plays, it best done with a partner.

Person A asks all sorts of random, and even inappropriate questions to Person B.

Person B does not answer them, and instead asks a question back, and turns the spotlight back to person A.

Swap roles after a few minutes.

What’s key is to note what happens in your body with certain questions because these are areas where you might want to focus on more deeply next time.

I love this practice because you can use it to prepare for all sorts of situations that could arise. You can adapt the practice, not just to questions, but to comments, or situations.

Perhaps it’s your next annual review at work. Perhaps it’s an outburst from your teenage child. It’s not necessarily about the uncomfortable questions, but about uncomfortable situations. By turning the spotlight from you to another person, you give yourself space.

As Viktor Frankl once wrote:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Originally posted on Substack with comments.

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